Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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