can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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