I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
