He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I forget how to act sober
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
