Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
