You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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