i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
what day is it and did you see me today?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
