I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
