Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
