I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
