The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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