Walk of Shame. In a state park.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
