i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
