I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
