He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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