either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
