I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
