i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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