I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
