I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
