its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
