We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
