My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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