This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
