i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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