How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
