i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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