Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
