Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
