saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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