NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
