Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
