i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
