Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just found puke in my bra..
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
