god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
