i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
