You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
