So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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