Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
