So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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