1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
