Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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