Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
