I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
