It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
