Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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