I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
