Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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