Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
