Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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