If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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