I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
