I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
