did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
