You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
